Okay, so i have been lashing out on a lot of people lately, and partly for the reason that i have so much stress bottled up from school, work, being sick so much and just not really talking about my feelings. But around where I'm from, if u talk about whats on your mind then your wussin' out and are considered a baby. I am the last person in this earth who will ever stop thinking about what people think. But anyways back to the way i feel, lets start with school. I failed 2 out of 4 classes, well "Failed" no, i passed 3 technically, and truly failed one. but i didn't get the grade i wanted so i call it failing. I was a first time freshman, who didn't do that well in school, taking 4 college level classes (no remedial classes) which equalled to 12 hours of school, and was working a part time job at a daycare, and anyone who has ever worked at a daycare can tell you that that is one of the most demanding jobs a person can have. I wasn't paying for my education, i have a scholarship, or at least think i still do have a scholarship that pays for everything. I should've studied
more, but i didn't and thought that it was like every other high school class that I've taken and can pass it with just paying attention and not doing any homework. Big ole negative ghost rider! Okay next stressor, WORK!! Work is work, is there any reason it should NOT be a stressor? No. Enough said. Lastly and probably the biggest impact on my life right now is that i have been sick with tonsillitis so many times in the past 2 years, with mono, and strep, andtonsillitis that yesterday my doctor referred me to an ENT. i knew it was coming, part of me wanted to stay home and just pretend that everything was okay when i barely had a voice. Yet, very impossible. Everytime i even opened my mouth it felt like flames were being thrown down my throat. So needless to say i have a consultation appointment set up with an ENT tomorrow to get my bloodwork appointment set up and a tonsillectomy scheduled. YIKES!!!!! I hate needles and the idea of even being put under with NO family or friends in the same room during surgery. YEt i have the best friends in the world to keep reminding me that this surgery happens everyday and that i need to suck it up and deal because if a baby or child can handle then so should i. Well that's easier said than done. Ive googled it and it says that i have to be under for an hour, at the most. an hour? no thanks. But i will never get better for good if i don't go through with the surgery and ill just keep having to pay co-pays, med costs, and all that. $$$$$$$!! NO THANKS! On a different note, i haven't been single in a year and 8 months! I dated some P.O.S guy that always spent my money, cant believe i made it a year with him. Then immediately after that i dated an ex for almost 8 months, we just recently broke up, and i probably was moving way to fast but i started dating this new guy, he is AMAZING! he is perfect in every way, real southern type, i mean open the door for you, pays for everything, does NOT have an a$$hole bone in his body, except when you mess with his boys, his family, or his gf. Like i said perfect! Bad thing, hes in the army, so falling in love with
this wonderful amazing guy will set myself up for heartache, but how can i resist, he's amazing. plus my ex was really controlling, but my current boyfriend will let me do anything, he TRUSTS me. he lets me go out with my friends, he lets me drink, he would do anything in the world for me. PERFECT. Ive seen
how the army or any military branch can affect a family. My sister was in the air force and her husband has decided to stay in the air force for life. But with his sacrifices, he is able to support his family, and let my sister be the stay at home mom she has longed to be and lets her spend time with her kids and helped her become the great mom that she is. My BFFFFFFF, i have a million F's because she has always been and will always be my best friend. She knows exactly when to bring me back down to earth whenever i take on too much or get to big for my britches. We both have problems at home and especially for being over 18 years old feel its time tomove on to our next stages in our lives. yes we are thankful for everything our parents have done for us, NO MATTER what. Her bf is like my big brother, i am actually the reason they are together. i introduced them and actually helped create their storybook romance that they have. His cousin, is actually my
boyfriend and he introduced us. So together we are like a little family and they will always be the 3 people i fall back on. No matter what I'm going through they are always here for me. So which saying all that brings me to my next reason for why i was flipping out and really the reason for starting this. When i
started this, i wasn't sure what i wanted it to be: a way to vent for sure but what else? So then i started thinking about a blog and not really that anyone cares what an 18 year old college student is going through but I'm going to make it a way of finding myself, and developing myself into being a better person.
But yea back to the reason for me flipping out, so my little family is looking for apartments to live in right now, and my bf texts me and says that there going back out the way to get my friends ID. well why do u need her id is what i said, well she cant look at it with out one. i said okay well u have one
and your cousin has one. He said yes but we found one we really like and he doesn't want to see it without her. and that's when i blew up my friends! I'm here sick, feeling like $h!t and yet there not even telling me about any apartments that they find, any ones they liked, like my opinion doesn't matter. no picture
texts from any of them or nothing. so please excuse my unexcitement, (is that even a word?) whenever you bring up the apartments. Just now, my best friend called me, i missed it, but i didn't jump at the chance to call her back. so then she called me again and then texted me to call her. so thinking it was important i did. well it wasn't really important so we just did the normal best friend convo, hey wyd, she said sittin her at her bf's, wyd, and i said on the computer, actually typing this, and she said oh fun and i said yea, wheres ***** (my bf) and she said right next to me, and i said oh okay and i went off. how can u have the time to just sit there and ignore all my texts, then i went off, started crying and hung up the phone. i have turned off my phone, turned it back on to check my texts, i had 3, then i turned back off my phone. My friends know I'm upset when i turn off my phone, because that's something i NEVER do! FYI: Sorry for any confusion I'm not mentioning names because if anyone I personally know were to come across this, well I am pretty sure I'd be done for. With all of this being said it's safe to say I have a LONG road ahead to finding inner peace and patience and in truth finding myself, and who I really am, getting the chance to be myself again.
